Thursday, September 04, 2008

Today is my first day I start to write dairy in English in china. Now, I just feel my head is full of confusion and puzzling; besides, I feel frustrated and deeply depressed, as the girl whom I used to treat as close and intimate friend betray me. What a poor girl I am! And what a dramatical thing happen to me. I feel awful and disgusting. Maybe I am too pessimist, but deep feeling of a loser and huge failure pour over me like icy storm. In some degree, I still prefer to look on the bright side of this thing; all in all, she used to be my best friend. I still persuade myself that she is, actually, a kind girl in essence. I have to admit that I am good at comforting people. I can help my mother get out of her trouble. Maybe that’s show to me that I like to talk with people. At a result of that, maybe someday in the future I would be a psychologist. My mind is flying away from the topic I am trying to represent. I have to get back on my topic. Now I am thinking about finding a way to solve it. Perhaps I should have a word with her, talk with her face to face. I still remember the phrase my Canadian teacher told me “one should always put oneself into other’s shoes”. Perhaps I should keep a distance from her from today. I really have no idea about the ways to solve it. Actually it drives me crazy. This instance makes me think about friendship. Is the friendship easy to achieve but hard to continue, run and complete? I believe this question has already hung around in many people’s head, but few can finger it out and come to the definite and concrete answer. For long times, I couldn’t handle the friendship well. It is true that I am really poor at it. I used to have many friends in my past life, whereas mostly they are just onlookers. I insist that it is me that make them pass by me in seconds like breezes. Finally, I come to the conclusion that, as the saying goes, when you reveal your secret to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing it to the trees. My lesson is not to share too much with others about personal things.

 

Friday, September 05, 2008

What am I going to say today? Oh, yeah! These days I felt lack of sleep and my condition was in a totally mass. How those supposed to happen in the first week of the new semester? I can see my weakness in the face to the big changes. Today, silently, I chose the latter way to deal with this instance. I said few words to that girl. For sure, she can feel my reaction and touch the tense relationship between us. I had already found that she was a sensitive girl, which could be reflected from much usual stuff. I am an indecisive person. In other words, I could not make quick and concise decision by myself. That is terrible and hard to improve. Recent days, I have to make a vital decision, and I get stuck again. I tried to phone my father many times, to describe the thing in details to him, and to turn to him for some help. Things like this one occurred to me hundreds and thousands of times. It seems to become a routine. A disastrous habit! Sometimes I can strongly feel that I am getting more and more independent, self-reliant. On the other hand, at the deep inside of me, a sort of uncanny sensation of feeling which maybe compose of fear to face the failure exists and grows in snail and turtle’s speed. In fact, I am afraid of being criticized and defeated. My mind is foggy but there is a torch running in somewhere the corner of my heart, which leads me to an uncertain way, yes, I may choose to follow that way. Step by step, it would be extremely tough and full of blocks; it would be another misery I chose for myself. I hope I will not regret and the fact is that it would not admit me to turn back. The only thing I can and I must do is keeping trying and walking on. I may Stumble or stagger. I believe that no matter what will be happen will i strive for the victory. Suddenly, those unhappy things remind me of my warm family. That is due to the human instinct. I realized I had not call mom for a few days, so this night I will give her a call and say to her some sweet words. Indeed, I need them in earnest.

 

 

Saturday, September 06, 2008

In my mind, I do not have the real definition of weekend. I might be a freak in some degree. I do have the times when I feel completely exhausted and worn myself out. I do not mean I am always energetic. On the other hand, I have not find a routine way or certain circle to kill my spare time. Library is good places where you can half relax yourself except you are wearing a tiny, mini-skirt. Whereas is certainly not a suitable place for watching some kinds of limited movie, even it is the one involving only few scenes of Porns. Because you have to be over-careful for someone’s glaring. For my part, “sex and city” is the case in point. I have to admit that it does contain something improper for public watching. I like this drama, as I do learn something that might relate to my later life such as my love story. Now “love” this word seems to be a totally stranger to me. Shamefully to say, I have not taste it in its essence, and the ex-relationships were all my trying; besides, they were all superficial in the way I saw nowadays. Now, I am getting more and more afraid and terrified. It is certain that if you buried something too deep and left it alone long time, you will forget how to use it easily, and even worse, you may never dare to touch it. I am twenty years old now, compared to the four old women in that drama I am quite young. However, everyone is so unique, and you never can guess what would be happening next. When you are doing the self-analysis with yourself, you may easily lose your way and completely drop in a mess. I believe nobody knows himself in a comprehensive way. Sometimes, the truth is people barely know themselves. People around you can list at least three merits or defaults of you in seconds, but you may spend half day and trace for nothing. That is sympathetic but to be a terrible truth. Somehow, something reminds me of the movie “Redemption”. For me, it is fantastic and fabulous. One thing interesting is that I find I have factors the same as the main actress in that movie. I am also an imaginative person. I still remember that when I was quite young I used to draw a cartoon book by my hand and did some kinds of stuff like this, and I am good at writing. i used to write a composition that said a kind of bread trees can be grown in classrooms so that students can eat them whenever they got hungry. For many times, I dreamed of being a writer who owns her column in one or two popular magazine. I will be very proud of saying “yeah, I wrote this” when my friend pick up her favorite book and point my name in big surprise. Oh, gosh! I start to make a day-dream again. Along with my growing up, the cruel world improves one fact that I would never be a writer ever. Maybe now I just make an earlier decision, and there is still a tiny hope in my secret corner of my heart.

 

 

 

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I dropped into the nightmare again: The same headache, same fever, and same poor body condition. I had not realized how weak I could become when I was sick. The whole body was surrounded by heat; the feet were heavy like stone. “Only you can feel yourself”, for this time I improved this phrase. However, also nobody could know one’s potential. I woke up with a bit headache, but I ignored it, and thought it was the electronic fan’s fault, as my bed straightly under it. Today was Sunday; actually, I planed to study a little and relaxed myself. But things were not usually going in you way. I had two promises I made the week before. One was hanging around with my classmates for some traveling in Luoyang, the other one was companying my younger brother to do few stuff. I was not a person liked to break the promise. Luckily enough, I made those two. First, by sitting into a car for half an hour, my classmates and I tasted the famous beef soup. Though I was not really hungry, I ate as much as I could, for I had seen a Korean drama and learned that when you were sick you need more energy, so just keep eating when you have a taste. The feeling was not bad when I finished my soup as I sweat a lot. I worn a blouse outside my T-shirt, and the fact showed this was a wise decision. The weather was rainy a little; I did not feel cold contributed to it. After the beef soup, I still could feel my weakness. And I had to meet my brother in another place. Thanks to my heart-warmed friends, they sent me to the spot. As I said before, today I had to treat my brother. He picked a Korea restaurant, due to its popularity; I waited for the desk twenty minutes. In spite of having a full stomach, I ordered a kind of tofu soup which I assume that it was helpful for my health. But later, I found it was a mistake, I lost my taste and wasted those delicious foods. But anyway, I got though the whole process. Dong got hair-cut. I waited for another twenty minutes. The rain was getting heavier and heavier. Finally, everything was done. We took the taxi to go back. During the walking to my dormitory, I was wet by the storm. I thought my condition had gone really bad. And sure it was, I worn out myself again. Could I say I was a tough person? Maybe it was.

 

当繁忙充斥每一根神经

开始没有别的感受

反而开始充实

原来忙碌也是一种享受

BUSY LIVING OR BUSY DYING

连接的TEST

巨大的ESSAY

不讨厌

很欢喜

生活开始有感性的转变

 

 

 

 

象肥皂泡一样飘

无根无基

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

耳边响起什么样的语言都会成为习惯

即使有时会有疑惑

这是不是ＲＥＡＬ　ＬＩＦＥ

我不融进任何一个人

任何一个圈子

不代表我孤孤单单

just enjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

里昂

I WON'T DIE

LOVE

 

 

 

 

 

 

ＳＭＩＬＥ

 

好象很长时间没有真正的笑过了　这种情感让我觉得陌生　吝啬

今天ＬＡＢ里搞心理测试

我写了一条ＳＯＭＥＴＩＭＥＳ　ＴＯ　ＢＥ　ＡＬＯＮＥ

每个人都有的瞬间　只是不知是否延长

今天我ＴＥＳＴ分数为Ａ　看着醒目的ＥＸＣＥＬＬＥＮＴ

很高兴　却只是微笑

因为只是付出

拿回自己的东西

 

 

 

 

 

 

　突然就想回到小时侯　 

 

其实在这边　真的没什么变化

只不过经常看不到黄面孔的人们

只不过每天吃自己做的饭

只不过换一种语言来生活思考

只不过只是孤零零的一个人

即使只不过

为什么身心会有翻天覆地的巨变

我常常安慰自己只是因为陌生只是不熟悉

当也许空洞以一种立体的方式呈现在眼前时

才会感觉到无边的伤痛

那么迅速的蔓延全身

不再知道什么是疼

 

 

 

这里的街上散满黄色的类似花蕊的东西 至今还匍匐在地上象一条条黄色的小溪 于是我总会莫名其妙的想起周杰伦的一首歌我不记得歌名只记得有句 ＂记忆里的小黄花．．．．．．＂ 我就想起我们院里的樱花　现在应该还没败 不知道妈妈还有没有把它们带回家做香包 虽然不想说还是不得不提到终于理解什么是乡愁 估计是何老师唱的那首＂栀子花开＂　淡淡的弥散开来         好幼稚觉得自己　却又不想张大 也许永远这样也很好 这些天我明显的感觉到自己长大了好多 上课回来就马不停蹄的作明天的饭盒　接着出去跑步　洗澡　学习　睡觉 不孤单

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

花开花落　我们握着１２小时的时差静静的成长

莫快莫慢

 

有人用一朵花的枯萎来遗忘什么

我干什么

我会安静的继续生长

承受并消解一切

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

现在每天自己做便当　觉得好有成就

今天发现居然虾仁是最好做的菜只要煎一下下就好了

整的自己跟一大厨似的　继续努力

我准备回家给爸爸妈妈做饭忽忽 

 

 

 

 

複我真的很想家   　不想彻底的离开     象桎梏的沙漠中的求生者   只想喝家里的一杯水

KINGSTON.距离TORONTO大概有200多公里的一个小镇

安逸.宁静.

这里本地居民几乎没有华人.他们生活悠闲.毫无工作压力.

这里每座房子都象一件艺术品.城堡.街道四四方方.顺顺直直.对于我这样一个在国内在陌生的家属院里都能迷路的孩子.这里象是毫无曲折的天堂.

 

我在超市里买了番茄酱.2片牛肉.CHEES.西红柿.生菜 实际上我以前从没煎过牛肉作饭也只是刚开始 我真的很勇敢.加油.放牛肉.用铲子翻来覆去 最后的成品虽然有些黑糊糊但是起码熟了 后面就简单多了.两片生菜.中间放很多番茄酱.还有一片CHEES 虽然牛肉什么味道都没有.还有些糊味 我五口搞定 接着觉得特别不错 但是基于我的煎牛肉技术实在欠考虑 打消再来一个的念头 这边虽然天气变化无常但今天尤其冷 因为是周末所以组织打排球 硬是在冷风里吹了半了小时 我特别惊讶这里的人如此的个性 我三件套他们可以只穿短袖

 

 

 

哎呀呀真是太开心了

我又上榜了哦

庆祝庆祝

 

◢ 个性●风格 ◣

幸褔的一邉 * in October as soon as wipes. □° a world of greу. 要不得谦词是废话 晨岚无声 器官项链 ☜灰度空間☞ ⊹⊱✿｡◕‿◕｡✿⊰⊹我是一只小小小小熊⊹⊱✿｡◕‿◕｡✿⊰⊹

 

5月3日 AIR CANADA 我的航班
在飞机上
我的右边是个老婆婆左边是个帅哥 帅哥长的有点象余文乐
在飞机上睡觉真的很难受
365个姿势24个方位轮流着换还是睡不着 还特痛苦
因为婆婆不会英语 所以我成了全程看护 觉着可伟大了
帅哥很喜欢玩游戏 一上飞机就开手提折腾半天 居然玩红警忽忽 还有看巨搞笑的灌蓝高手
一开始我冤屈的多想了10多个小时 大概耗费了13个多小时飞机就抵达多伦多了
本来我的座位是40多号应该很好出去的
可是那个婆婆申请了轮椅护理 我就站在那和那的飞机人员说了半天
后果就是我又多等了1个多小时 上了第2辆BUS 取行李

 

 

 

 

 

 

我的周围有很多人 也许是罗马尼亚人 也许是非洲人 也许是韩国人 也许香港人 我站在那里 看起来很孤单 也确实落寞 因为不认识 因为不和谐 所以想家 所以想逃离 人类的逃避心理如此的用心险恶 杯弓蛇影也会惊心动魄 怎么来形容我的感受 居然开始词穷了 这的天很高 很蓝 晚上也会有很多星星 可是我觉得自己的翅膀开始僵硬迟钝 开始惧怕 沉重了 怎么还能飞 还怎么去欺骗自己 不再 是个孩子 那么 断了的翅膀 还能不能飞翔 谁知道我在问谁 谁又可以回答

▦ 和朋友逛街 然后一起买奶茶喝 我一向觉得不放糖的奶茶好喝

  但是和朋友聊天聊的起劲忘了这茬

而后猛然想起 愣头愣脑的把头伸进奶茶屋大喊一杯不放糖 

 模糊听见吓了一跳的店员说放过了  我一急 又喊

那那杯放过的不放糖

店员和旁边的朋友笑的快晕了过去

我还在那喊 不是不是 是那杯没放的放糖

终于我朋友勉强直直腰  笑答大姐人家说了两杯都放过了好不好

▦▦▦▦▦▦

▦   朋友想买一双运动鞋 陪她一起去顺便看看有没有折扣

大眼浏览的功夫友大喊  哎呀 快看这不是你那双鞋吗

我慢悠悠的过去 又漫不经心的拿起来  旁边的男孩以为生意来了忙过来招顾

友说恩现在便宜了呢才420   我随声附和恩是啊420

接着我回过神来声音提高8分贝  什么怎么才420  怎么可能

旁边的男孩先是发愣接着一本正经的说现在折扣是这个价

伤心着离开 想想前不久我可是花了540买了那双鞋的  有软墙吗 我撞死算了

▦▦▦▦▦▦

▦   坐公交车回去  出奇的是车上人很少

我和友坐最后一排  由于身心疲惫

上车不久我们一起沉睡

深深的沉睡导致我们坐过了6站地

那场． ６月．天开始热．我们象荷花一样惊艳．相遇． ７月．天那么热．我们象蔓陀箩的藤蔓一样．疯长． ８月．天依然热．我们象搁置在凌晨４点的葡式蛋塔．冷却． ９月．天转微凉．我们象枯菊凋零．离散． 曾经的美好．  猝然而逝．

4月１７日 有阳光很暖风小 黑色的Ｔ恤浅绿工装裤有很多兜兜 挎着很大的包包金粉色 里面只有钱包．卡．唇膏．镜子 没有手机 当习惯没有也就无所谓有没有 包里还有厚厚的一打牛皮纸 索画．涂鸦 戴着大大的白框墨镜上了公交车 车子里的空气因为拥挤变的潮湿 只是静静的转身 看到了你 白色上衣兰色裤子 清淡地冲开聒噪的气息 我看到了你戴着耳机听着ＭＰ３的你 眼神飘渺到车窗外的远方 没有出声喊你 平行线只在出错的时候偶尔交会 如同我们 还是陌路人 谁也不是谁的谁 静静的在离你２０分米的地方 我下了车 看车带着不知晓的你渐渐远去

４月１８日天依旧是一张温暖的笑脸 街上卖草莓的果农憨厚的看着我 也许是因为这暖暖得一切 我买了好多这些带籽的梅子 这些我爱的小东西 对我那么吝啬 只在短短的春天开花结出甜蜜的大果实 我还没有陶醉眨眼间它就没有了 满大街守在那里可亲的婆婆们推着她们的小车一夜间消失的无影无踪　 只能盼望下一个春天早点到来

前几天ＤＩＡＮＥ同学在其日志中写了关于他自己的１００条＂新闻＂并且恶劣的挖掘别人的隐私 真是有点小可恶啊 为了以免遭袭击我主动＂坦白＂忽忽 １．小名叫小小　在家里很恶劣　在外面则一幅乖乖女的模样　声明一下这可不是伪装 我们每个人在家里不都是撒欢的德行啊呵呵 ２．右耳朵有一个耳洞　备受其折磨　其待遇也＂蒸蒸日上＂　从刚打时的银针到很小很小的纯银豆再到现在的周大福金耳钉　还是很小很小的金豆豆　做梦都想戴姐姐的超大超绚的银圈圈　被姐姐骂说小心把你的耳垂扯到地上去 ３．高中毕业时收拾我的杂志　被妈妈惊鄂的发现＂当代歌坛＂和＂卡通王＂堆积起来的高度与我的海拔似齐（当时我的汗啊　哗啦啦的直淌）很多同学都看到我被妈妈骂＂败家子＂ 卖这些书得到的居然有２４０元　最可悲又可泣的是　回来的路上我给弄丢了 那天妈妈倒没有吵我　自己哭的很惨很惨．．．．．． ４．写日记的时候不喜欢用标点符号　常用的是引号和省略号　一友说这样 子不行　小心以后你说话都成这样拉　成哪样啊　跟打隔似的　 我狂晕 ５．本来不想叛逆来着　被姐姐带的现在走个性路线　其实我连啥叫 个性都不知道 ６．我真的一年没吃过冰欺凌　半年没吃过棒棒糖了(因为虫牙) ７．不喜欢春天也不喜欢夏天　不喜欢秋天也不喜欢冬天 所以我不知道自己喜欢什么天　所以别再问了 ８．我就是喜欢说废话

上面的是熊猫军团非常非常ＫＡＷＡＹＩ的卡通人物
你听到正数第二个说什么了吗
它说＂你看我象不象梁朝伟（不要扔我香蕉皮）＂
忽忽这样子的自娱自乐象个傻瓜一样

 

接着我想到了带银公主

这个每天都无悠无虑说着一些很白开水白开水的话的丫头
可是看到这些很ＥＡＳＹ的字句我会很快乐发自内心地
因为我们曾几何时都这样子自言自语过
呃呵呵今天的主题是ＲＵＮＮＩＮＧ
我在十分钟前刚下的决定我决定从今天４月１０日开始每天ＲＵＮＮＩＮＧ
看到这里你肯定想笑因为很熟悉是吧几乎每个人都在遗忘的某个时候有过这样子的想法
但是．．．．．．
我发誓我这次是真的真的会实行
才不是因为什么恶俗的减肥啊什么的
我的原因是．．（早就想好了地忽忽）

 

 

整个事情就是这样地
亲乃的朋友们
ＲＵＮＮＩＮＧ真的会使心情变的很好
ＯＫ！ＬＥＴ＇Ｓ　ＧＯ　ＲＵＮＮＩＮＧ  ＴＯＧＥＴＨＥＲ

我感冒了周期性的感冒了

我吃了六片康肽克还是晕忽忽的于是我又吞了两片快克

三片螺旋酶素四片穿心莲

药罐子也无法掩盖生病的痛楚

这是季节性的流感嘛我有点怀疑

亲爱的们我命不久已礼物通通缴来

越发觉得自己是恶劣的孩子

　　　　　

　　　　　　　　我吃了两个橙子超市里标签１０＇５６

　　　　　　还有纯玉米糁做的帖子

四点半的时候我看电视发现电影频道晚上直播第２５界金象奖颁奖典礼

我在想如果我是评委女主角我会给王菲男主角是梁朝伟

可是我什么也不是

只是个小小的看客

正为我的感冒而发愁

并且期待着晚上的演出

一天要喝很多杯白开水才会补充完整我们所需要的水分

我今天喝了多少杯我也不知道

就觉得自己象一块海绵负荷很重的海绵

水分从喉咙下去就象蒸汽一样消失了

还是会很渴

我现在和外界失去了联系我丢了我的手机是一部我想自杀的手机因为它的价钱更因为它的价值

所有的号码都没有了

初中的高中的一些偶然结识的一些很死党的

都没有了

断了

不孤独

会伤心

 

 

 

 

 

车祸

我以为永远都不会落到我头上的两个字眼

吧唧一下在今天砸在我的脚踝上

真是让人苦笑不得

你听说过一个人被车撞了只伤到脚踝吗

真是可笑说白点我是脚被轮胎碾了

点背啊点背啊我当时真的满疼的所以嚎了半天

爸爸因为出差在外赶不回来便找了在这里的朋友过来现场

其实我很想说没什么没什么我休息会估计就好了

结果那肇事者似乎很善良硬把我拉到医院拍X光片

在我等待的过程中那丫和来给我撑腰的张叔叔攀谈甚欢我甚至听到什么以后多来往有什么事好帮忙

什么嘛后来我才从爸爸那知道肇事者所在的工作单位系属于那位赵叔叔管辖范围

拿到那张写着无骨折有轻微软组织受伤(其实是擦破皮)的片子我无奈至极

然后肇事者又买了一大堆药给我

......

总之车祸令我很不愉快

希望此生都不会再有如此荒诞的经历

契子..

"不是所有的漂流都会为人贴金赚银,可能我们盲目出发,又被一些虚荣所累,结果心力交瘁

伤痕累累."

 

昨天晚上梦见了一条巨蛇

我居然没吓晕过去

奔过去看

是一条蚯蚓

虚惊一场

我突然不知怎的就想起了命运之轮

具体来说这几天我都在想这个问题

想一想我们周围所认识的人

想一想和他们一起度过的一些岁月

当时过境迁已物是人非

生活却只过了４分之１

不知晓的将来又会有怎样的翻天巨变

我有了窥视的欲望

更多的是对自己将来生活的好奇乃至隐隐的恐惧

凡人终究是凡人

只能这样胡思乱想