Thursday, September 04, 2008

Today is my first day I start to write dairy in English in china. Now, I just feel my head is full of confusion and puzzling; besides, I feel frustrated and deeply depressed, as the girl whom I used to treat as close and intimate friend betray me. What a poor girl I am! And what a dramatical thing happen to me. I feel awful and disgusting. Maybe I am too pessimist, but deep feeling of a loser and huge failure pour over me like icy storm. In some degree, I still prefer to look on the bright side of this thing; all in all, she used to be my best friend. I still persuade myself that she is, actually, a kind girl in essence. I have to admit that I am good at comforting people. I can help my mother get out of her trouble. Maybe that’s show to me that I like to talk with people. At a result of that, maybe someday in the future I would be a psychologist. My mind is flying away from the topic I am trying to represent. I have to get back on my topic. Now I am thinking about finding a way to solve it. Perhaps I should have a word with her, talk with her face to face. I still remember the phrase my Canadian teacher told me “one should always put oneself into other’s shoes”. Perhaps I should keep a distance from her from today. I really have no idea about the ways to solve it. Actually it drives me crazy. This instance makes me think about friendship. Is the friendship easy to achieve but hard to continue, run and complete? I believe this question has already hung around in many people’s head, but few can finger it out and come to the definite and concrete answer. For long times, I couldn’t handle the friendship well. It is true that I am really poor at it. I used to have many friends in my past life, whereas mostly they are just onlookers. I insist that it is me that make them pass by me in seconds like breezes. Finally, I come to the conclusion that, as the saying goes, when you reveal your secret to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing it to the trees. My lesson is not to share too much with others about personal things.

Friday, September 05, 2008

What am I going to say today? Oh, yeah! These days I felt lack of sleep and my condition was in a totally mass. How those supposed to happen in the first week of the new semester? I can see my weakness in the face to the big changes. Today, silently, I chose the latter way to deal with this instance. I said few words to that girl. For sure, she can feel my reaction and touch the tense relationship between us. I had already found that she was a sensitive girl, which could be reflected from much usual stuff. I am an indecisive person. In other words, I could not make quick and concise decision by myself. That is terrible and hard to improve. Recent days, I have to make a vital decision, and I get stuck again. I tried to phone my father many times, to describe the thing in details to him, and to turn to him for some help. Things like this one occurred to me hundreds and thousands of times. It seems to become a routine. A disastrous habit! Sometimes I can strongly feel that I am getting more and more independent, self-reliant. On the other hand, at the deep inside of me, a sort of uncanny sensation of feeling which maybe compose of fear to face the failure exists and grows in snail and turtle’s speed. In fact, I am afraid of being criticized and defeated. My mind is foggy but there is a torch running in somewhere the corner of my heart, which leads me to an uncertain way, yes, I may choose to follow that way. Step by step, it would be extremely tough and full of blocks; it would be another misery I chose for myself. I hope I will not regret and the fact is that it would not admit me to turn back. The only thing I can and I must do is keeping trying and walking on. I may Stumble or stagger. I believe that no matter what will be happen will i strive for the victory. Suddenly, those unhappy things remind me of my warm family. That is due to the human instinct. I realized I had not call mom for a few days, so this night I will give her a call and say to her some sweet words. Indeed, I need them in earnest.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

In my mind, I do not have the real definition of weekend. I might be a freak in some degree. I do have the times when I feel completely exhausted and worn myself out. I do not mean I am always energetic. On the other hand, I have not find a routine way or certain circle to kill my spare time. Library is good places where you can half relax yourself except you are wearing a tiny, mini-skirt. Whereas is certainly not a suitable place for watching some kinds of limited movie, even it is the one involving only few scenes of Porns. Because you have to be over-careful for someone’s glaring. For my part, “sex and city” is the case in point. I have to admit that it does contain something improper for public watching. I like this drama, as I do learn something that might relate to my later life such as my love story. Now “love” this word seems to be a totally stranger to me. Shamefully to say, I have not taste it in its essence, and the ex-relationships were all my trying; besides, they were all superficial in the way I saw nowadays. Now, I am getting more and more afraid and terrified. It is certain that if you buried something too deep and left it alone long time, you will forget how to use it easily, and even worse, you may never dare to touch it. I am twenty years old now, compared to the four old women in that drama I am quite young. However, everyone is so unique, and you never can guess what would be happening next. When you are doing the self-analysis with yourself, you may easily lose your way and completely drop in a mess. I believe nobody knows himself in a comprehensive way. Sometimes, the truth is people barely know themselves. People around you can list at least three merits or defaults of you in seconds, but you may spend half day and trace for nothing. That is sympathetic but to be a terrible truth. Somehow, something reminds me of the movie “Redemption”. For me, it is fantastic and fabulous. One thing interesting is that I find I have factors the same as the main actress in that movie. I am also an imaginative person. I still remember that when I was quite young I used to draw a cartoon book by my hand and did some kinds of stuff like this, and I am good at writing. i used to write a composition that said a kind of bread trees can be grown in classrooms so that students can eat them whenever they got hungry. For many times, I dreamed of being a writer who owns her column in one or two popular magazine. I will be very proud of saying “yeah, I wrote this” when my friend pick up her favorite book and point my name in big surprise. Oh, gosh! I start to make a day-dream again. Along with my growing up, the cruel world improves one fact that I would never be a writer ever. Maybe now I just make an earlier decision, and there is still a tiny hope in my secret corner of my heart.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I dropped into the nightmare again: The same headache, same fever, and same poor body condition. I had not realized how weak I could become when I was sick. The whole body was surrounded by heat; the feet were heavy like stone. “Only you can feel yourself”, for this time I improved this phrase. However, also nobody could know one’s potential. I woke up with a bit headache, but I ignored it, and thought it was the electronic fan’s fault, as my bed straightly under it. Today was Sunday; actually, I planed to study a little and relaxed myself. But things were not usually going in you way. I had two promises I made the week before. One was hanging around with my classmates for some traveling in Luoyang, the other one was companying my younger brother to do few stuff. I was not a person liked to break the promise. Luckily enough, I made those two. First, by sitting into a car for half an hour, my classmates and I tasted the famous beef soup. Though I was not really hungry, I ate as much as I could, for I had seen a Korean drama and learned that when you were sick you need more energy, so just keep eating when you have a taste. The feeling was not bad when I finished my soup as I sweat a lot. I worn a blouse outside my T-shirt, and the fact showed this was a wise decision. The weather was rainy a little; I did not feel cold contributed to it. After the beef soup, I still could feel my weakness. And I had to meet my brother in another place. Thanks to my heart-warmed friends, they sent me to the spot. As I said before, today I had to treat my brother. He picked a Korea restaurant, due to its popularity; I waited for the desk twenty minutes. In spite of having a full stomach, I ordered a kind of tofu soup which I assume that it was helpful for my health. But later, I found it was a mistake, I lost my taste and wasted those delicious foods. But anyway, I got though the whole process. Dong got hair-cut. I waited for another twenty minutes. The rain was getting heavier and heavier. Finally, everything was done. We took the taxi to go back. During the walking to my dormitory, I was wet by the storm. I thought my condition had gone really bad. And sure it was, I worn out myself again. Could I say I was a tough person? Maybe it was.